I'm searching for something...

I'm searching for something... // -->

Saturday, February 28

there's a child on the stage weeping..
it was all dark and no one was around..
the door at the corner opened..
a beam of light shone in..
the child sniffed and looked up...
no one but only the light came in..
the child walked to the door and found no one..
still the child uttered,
"thanks for opening the door. thanks for the light."

Heli Dont ask me why 2:13 AM

"When you blow more hope into the balloon and it will get bigger. When it gets bigger, and it burst, it's too shocking for me to accept."

Say i'm too naive, too competitive, too high expectations, whatever.

I got up and make my way to get my results. The minute i saw the grades, the minute i saw my humanities esp, it was as though i sank into total darkness. I couldn't withstand the tears and so i went out of the hall. It was really.. unexpected. Fourteen.

Dad called me and told me he was in the canteen. I went down and cried even more when i saw him. I wanted to do him proud.. really... Although i know my grades doesn't really matter much to him, still... there's just the disappointment.

It was hopeful in the morning. But i was shattered. Totally when i got it back. I don't deny i was sad because people around me did better. I know i shouldn't compare, but you should know me. I had really tried to take things in stride.. don't force me further. What i never wanted to get myself into, actually happened on me. Fark it. I don't wanna mention anything.

It;s all reality already. Harsh reality. Pointless even if i go on asking if i deserve such grades. Pointless to still dwell on it. But sadness doesn't come and go as it likes.

I felt forsaken. I felt betrayed. The scene was as though light shone only on those that scored well.. and i slowly left the crowd into the dark.

Each time i fell, it's always hard. Painful. And i hadn't got up, something else just has to push me further. Just how many times do i need to fall... Let me have a chance to stand up before pushing me down..

Don't give me any more false hopes. It would only push me higher.. and make me fall harder.

I'm sorry if i had affected any of you. Those that scored better than me, i beg you to leave me alone. No offense but frankly.. just leave me alone. Hope you understand why.

Ramblings. I felt sore. There's still a lot. I hope i wouldn't take too many tomorrows to heal..

I need courage..

The tide is too strong...

My smile is fading...

Everything is just an illusion...

The game is over.

THE END

"let me walk silently away.. so that tears would be hidden in the rain... just let me walk..."

Heli Dont ask me why 1:15 AM

Friday, February 27

Today's Friday. What's Today?

I need a hug.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:09 AM

*As promised, this is the little entry for you. =]*

Dear Devil,

One in a million i guess...
Never come across someone like you..
Sunshine, cheerful, ever-loving..
I felt sad when i see your eyes turning red..
Please spare me the agony..
And the only way is to cry on my shoulder..
Because only then i will not see you cry..
And only then will i get to know you more..
Be the sunshine for everyone else always..
Thanks for your loving, caring, sharing..
Thanks for giving me the precious gift.. that's you.

"A daily thot, a silent tear
A constant wish dat u're near
Words are few,
But thots are deep
Memories of our relationship i'll alwaes keep"

still remember this..? *wink*

Happy Belated Birthday Devil. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 12:31 AM

Wednesday, February 25

Wanted to post this few days back le. The other day, i saw two sisters cycling on a bicycle when i was on my way home (for those who know the way to my house, the little park there). The elder sister was in front and the younger one was behind. The minute i spotted the both of them, i smiled. The younger one was holding on to her sister's waist i guess and trying hard to keep her leg off ground. The younger sister actually saw me and gave me a why-are-you-looking-at-me look. And all i did wad to utterly whisper, "you're a lucky sis..."

Such kind of scenes probably extinct le ba.

Hmm... only had one experience of mei standing behind while i cycle down the slope to hougang mall. And poor me had to cycle her back to her home bustop. Pretty "weightless' eh.. Quite fun though.. haha.. though you in the end still didn't manage to cycle me back. =)

Miss such kind of fun le.. Hor mei~

Heli Dont ask me why 1:41 AM

Long time since we chatted so much online. Thanks for sharing with me those interesting stories. Let's hope when we grow up, we will still keep in touch like this. Miss your lameness though. =)

Miracle happened today. It made me just had more trust in him and reminds me that.. he's always there.

yawns~

Heli Dont ask me why 12:52 AM

Sunday, February 22

Reply to cass journal:

Yupx. Think its something like that ba. Results really coming real near. I still remember i attended church the day before my first paper. "Don't be consious of fear. You manifest fear because you are conscious of it." This very importatn message from Him had given me extra boost to take on the papers one after another. Till now, this very sentence still stays with me. thanks for sharing with me about your relationship with Him.

"..those are tears of joy from heaven.. He is telling you that he loves you. So love Him and love yourself too.. you should know what i mean right..." - Abstract from aron's message. I realise whenever i'm with you, the sky will be dotted with lots of stars. You said that stars are actually "shu de qing", i somehow agree. Thanks for understanding and being there for me.

He's there always i guess. I still love the song "Still" lots. The ever song that constantly touches me deeply. Always.

"God.. will i do well? Or does it even matter..?"

Heli Dont ask me why 2:22 PM

Worn out...

Out.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:13 AM

Friday, February 20

To You:

After seeing you on wednesday and saw your nick, wanted to talk to you. But from that "little" conversation with you just now, guess you wouldn't want to talk much about it.

Having known you for more than 4 years, i guessed we had times when we were really very close friends and that were times, we were really heaven and hell. I wouldn't say i know nothing about you, maybe i do know you lots.. maybe i just still yet to see the true you. I guessed you are too hard on yourself. From what your expression had displayed, i saw the tiredness in your eyes. You said you are tired of jc life.. but was it that the solely reason? Maybe i wasn't in you jc i wouldn't know, but... is that really all?

Learn to step out of your own world. You will never be happy if you stay stuck there and just look forward to a brighter beam of light to shine in. It's just an empty waiting. It's just being naive. You can be a happier person if you want. Who was the one who once told me to relax? Maybe i'm just not the right person to tell you all these, but i'm sorry i had to say all these. We are only this young, we still had a long road to go. If life seems gloomy, seems meaningless to you... what about the future? Are you sure you want to continue leading such life in your later part of the journey? I'm not being sarcastic to you or yelling at you. If you do think so, then i'm yelling at myself too. I'm learning to break free as well.. we are all learning. At times in life, we fell into a pit of our own and yet wait for passerby to pull us up. But don't just rely on them, you had to try pull yourself out before anyone can help you. It's always the first step that's hard for each and everyone to make. BUT it's the first step that matter most. Yes you are afraid of falling into the pit once again, but.. who don't? Who's life doesn't have twist and turn? Who's life isn't stress? Don't keep thinking that it's a dark and gloomy path you are walking.. there will sure be a point of time where light shines in.. there will sure be light after darkness.. which day doesn't have night? and which night doesn't have day? Take it all in stride. (i'm learning too.) I'm sorry.. if i'm really harsh. But i just don't wish to see you hanging on nowhere in life.

When a door closes, another door will open..
When the rain comes, there will be rainbow..
When the day arrives, there will be sun..
When the night falls, there will be stars..

There are many things in this world we can be happy about. It's a matter of whether you are willing to believe and see them for yourself or not. No point me or who describing to you what it is like, you have to try it out and see for yourself.

Be positive. Be open up to more ideas and opinions and most importantly, open up your heart.

You had the key to you heart.. but we don't...
You had the ability to unlock it.. but we don't...
You had the strength to pull yourself up... and i'll help if you allow...
You had to fight for your own happiness... much as i want, i can't..

It's all up to you.. and only you.

Heli Dont ask me why 12:51 AM

Monday, February 16

This is for you...

"Each night as I sit outside and feel the nights cool breeze
I look at this world, as I feel its loneliness in the dark,
Seeing the sky without a sun, a light that can blind me.
Looking at the stars as I begin to think of you.
They say when you look into the sky late at night
You will see many beautiful bright star
They glow with energy and their beauty is bright
These little tiny things are so close but yet so far.
We at times want to reach out and grab them
We at times see them shooting across the sky
Why are these little things so important to us?
Why do we always look for a star so high so far?
Those stars were put there for all of us to enjoy
They're not only mine, But for all who can dream at night
So next time you feel alone, And feeling blue
Just look out, look out for the one
One star among millions, would come forward in the night
It would brighten your night, and never rest in flight,
Straight and true, directly from it's heart to you.
And know that i'll be this little star, always, always.. flying for you..."

On this day of yours, i just want to let you know that,
I would want to know you for as long as there is sun followed by night.
You are special, very special in my life.
Never forget how precious you are to me,
You are the lighthouse in my fog..
You are the one that my star would shine for.

Happy Birthday. =]

Heli Dont ask me why 11:37 PM

Saturday, February 14

V Day

Valentine's day... Hmmm.. think many of us think it's a day that's only meant for couples. Not really. It's actually a day for you to express your love for anybody, be it your friends, family, anybody.. don't really have to only go out with someone you like or attach to.. nah. Maybe it's a special day to some of you, but to me.. maybe just a day where you exchange candies, chocs with friends... yup.

But on this day, i've sudden craze to get married soon. Was actually looking forward to the wedding night.. where you walked on the red carpet with the songs accompanying, and then the slides showing you pics of how we got to know each other etc... haha.. the more i think, the more i look forward... =D

and this... my valentine song for the year.. also one of my favourite song.. to all: Happy Valentine's Day.

Love Me - Collin Raye

I read a note my grandma wrote
Back in 1923
Grandpa kept it in his coat
And he showed it once to me
He said boy you might not understand
But a long long time ago
Grandma's daddy didn't like me none
But I loved your grandma so

We had this crazy plan to meet
And run away together
Get married in the first town we came to
And live forever
But nailed to the tree where we were
Supposed to meet instead
I found this letter and this is what it said

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

I read those words just hours before
My grandma passed away
In the doorway of the church
When me and grandpa stopped to pray
I know I'd never seen him cry
All my 15 years
But as he said these words to her
His eyes filled up with tears

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then
Till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

Between now and then till I see you again
I'll be loving you
Love me

Heli Dont ask me why 11:00 PM

Friday, February 13

Friday The Thirteen

Due to somethings, things din really go well today. No.. din run into a black cat or something today. Almost rolled down the stairs THRICE today. Today's a tired day. But tomorrow gonna be a longer day. X-country tomorrow at sentosa. 3.4km. Long time no run... now like a fat pig rather. After that probably going out with my ct ba.. no programmes anyway. =P

Hope what i said to you gets into you. Load of things i said which i'm still trying to achieve. The way you tried to complete the star just proved to me you are determined. Strive hard and trained hard. You will do it one day. I believed in you! =]

Heli Dont ask me why 9:17 PM

Close

How do you measure closeness with people? I guess we weren't that close anymore. Probably because of each others hectic schedule.. we were drifting... ain we? Some of you thought of it long ago.. perhaps i did too just that all along i just hate to admit. It's probably excuses when we say all of us were busy with some stuffs. Think we need to ask ourselves in general, had we form our own cliques unknowningly? We weren't as close as before.. were we?

Perhaps.. we do really have to face up to the fact that.. it's difficult to last long in a group.. it's near impossible that we would stay on. Maybe i should stop being naive..

Passion. Is the passion in our hearts dying? or rather.. has it died?

Heli Dont ask me why 12:19 AM

Sunday, February 8

Just heard the news that o's results might be out in a week's time. My reaction was, "Gosh.. really??"

And then after that didn't feel like doing anything. Just probably in a state of shock. Piles of homework waiting for me to finish.. watch tv also can't concentrate well.. my my.. my heart is really beating fast. I'm not desperate for extremely good grades.. but what i deserved. To reap what i sow was all that i asked for.

It's getting scarier to think about what i will get that day. Of course some would choose to think on the bright side, that the end of the story would be a happy ending. I don't dare to dream that i will get good results.. for i fear even more disappointments in the end. If i expect lots and yet i didn't get it, be sure to see me on the headlines that night then. *crossing my fingers*

Really can't set myself on doing things now. Can't get myself to sleep too. I don't feel like doing homework either. But worrying doesn't help though. But it's probably good to know it early.. sooner or later thing. Hmmm... really hope everything goes well. Hope all my friends will do well. Hope all of us will be crying of joy that day. I don't want anyone of us to be left out that day.

[Puak: Will get you a cake early in the morning and you better make a wish for me hor!]

Heli Dont ask me why 1:50 PM

Saturday, February 7

This is probably what's going on in my brain. Felt like giving my brain a wash so i could have clearer thoughts. It's as if my brain is speaking to myself. One minute i felt that i should still keep my faith and not give up. but the next moment i would think, why am i still believing in this? and then i thought it would be the devil acting on me.. trying to mislead me.. bah. what whole load of crap am i stuffing in my mind.

i attend a christian bookstore today. just when i took out a book on the shelf, i decided to put it back again and i walked out of the store. i started to wonder if i had more anger or more concerned on my dad. i doubt him and i doubt myself too. i don't wish to talk to him about such things anymore. he mentioned things that hurt me.. and hurt himself this morning.. i really felt like getting out of the car halfway through the journey.. and now he looked sick. i don't know if i should be guilty or what.

F. It's all my fault then.

Heli Dont ask me why 1:02 AM

Friday, February 6

Lies. Enough of such lies le. Get lost. Fark off.

Heli Dont ask me why 10:50 PM

Wednesday, February 4

Just typed out a letter to my dad. Wonder how he's going to feel after reading it. Let's hope for miracles to happen. =)

mood now: *hopeful*

Heli Dont ask me why 11:37 PM

Tuesday, February 3

Received this little note during math lecture today...

hey!! If you would just commit to God, by prayer, maybe he can work a miracle in your dad's heart and your desire to know more about God(alpha course) or even just to go to His house will be fulfilled. must have faith and stand firm on to your ground. seen many of such cases and their parents saw that change (good change i mean) and relented. don't worry ok? will be praying for you, but you yourself cannot give up. jia you!!

Thanks lynn. =)

Heli Dont ask me why 11:44 PM

Let me die

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes

My heart for you is true
Let no one take that from you
Time is running tight
Can't change from wrong to right

So I'll close my eyes and dream a little
Just like how we used to be baby

Its time to say farewell now
No need to cry of feelings
Oh it's alright
I'll end the end of lies

Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can change my world from black to white
So I'll close my eyes and dream a little more

Are we at war tonight
Will there be angels whispering to midnight
Don't wake when lightning strikes

Heaven grant me one last wish I beg you
Let me say these words before I go

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can get me straight to fight
Till the sky is burning
It's the end of time

Look ahead tomorrow
Long and winding road

Keep the faith of mine
Don't let it go
You're the only reason
That I'm growing cold
What would I do
Without you

I will love you till the end of time
Every breath of mine
I'll hold you by my side
But I'll rest in peace
My sweetheart would you
Let me die in your arms with you
Only you can stop the rain tonight
Only you can make my world so bright
Life no longer ends here with you in my heart

In my heart...

Heli Dont ask me why 6:25 PM
Monday, February 2

SOMEBODY GIVE ME A SLAP PLEASE??!!

Heli Dont ask me why 1:41 AM
Sunday, February 1

Alone at punggol park now. Felt so restless.. felt like a body without a soul just blindly walking around. I sat at one of the bench. People walked pass and viewed strangely at my resigned expression, perhaps thinking why am i here.. I tried to look away and act as if nothing had happened. i looked up at the sky and i saw more stars. i saw light rays shining on the surface showing the movement of the water. This moment, i felt peaceful and light. Thoughts of being alone and so pathetic rushed through me. My life had become trash lately. A life once very happening had now given way to a dead and dispirited life. Lonely and blue in this strange city. I felt discouraged and downhearted. I noticed that there were fewer people in the park. The cold wind blew past me which added on to my solitude. I wonder if i should blog all of my thoughts down. Why do i care so much about how people would view towards me? If that's the case hadn't the blog become an image to project what kind of person i had to be? I wonder if they find me more real in blog or in person.. or find me fake all the while.. Ramblings and ramblings... I used to think i had become more opened. I had learnt to take things out to friends. But i think things had reversed. In the past, i speak little of my problems. It was a matter of being used to keeping things to myself. But now hell no. I wanted badly to express myself.. yet i felt tired of the whole thing. I had grown tired of saying them.. i had grown tired of myself. These are my real feelings.. I hate to admit i needed help. I wonder what kind of life are others leading. Are they very different from mine? Right now as i'm alone, i felt that these are the only times i can be true. It seems as though when i'm around with them, there's no right for me to sulk. There's no right for me to bring them down. And its only now i can be myself. I don't feel like screaming. Perhaps getting myself in a peaceful environment so i can attain peace is better. ~an account at the park

I looked through the past entries.. september's entries. Now i do understand why you had said i don't sound like before. I focus too much on things in which i should see beyond them. Felt lighter after posting here. Thanks Mr Blog.

Heli Dont ask me why 2:54 PM

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